What do we want?

There are times in life when you don't know if you are happy or sad. At these times, smiling doesn't seem fit and crying, my friend, isn't an easy job. Its not anger that you can just vent out on someone or something, there's no good news to share, no sadness to cry over, no happiness to get mad about. Its just that uneasy feeling that conveniently fills your heart and soul. 

All slow or deep music makes you sad and all new and happy music is unenjoyable to you. All efforts you put into something for being happy go in vain. You scroll the call list a hundred times to make up your mind to call some friend and feel good. But, end up not calling anyone and just going to bed with music in your ears and fall asleep just to see the strangest of dreams involving strangest of activities and farthest of people.

The question is what do we want? When we're crying we want to smile, when we're smiling we want to laugh, when we laugh too much, again we cry, then we want peace. At times we feel like laughing and crying at the same time. when we are alone we want someone to be there. When we are with people we can't breath. Standing in a long queue for getting something you always wanted and when there's only one person left before its your turn you move out of the queue not wanting it. Its like opening the lock of your house at night coming back tired and feeling lonely as ever, feeling as if you never wanted to do this. At other times you feel like you always wanted to live the loner's life.

You feel like talking to someone, dial a close one's number and disconnect even before it rings. Miss people but never gather the strength to tell them that you feel like crying when they leave you and go. You want them to always be there with you. Yes! i'm selfish. But this is who I am. I want everything. May be I failed every time I tried to make them happy, at least i tried.

Its the hardest when you feel so many things and get entangled. don't know where to go, what to do, whom to turn to. There is a long way in from of you but you don't know if you wanna walk on it or just stare at it or turn around and go back.

Its hard to find an end to your feelings and when you can't write anymore because tears have blocked your view, you have to borrow lines from someone else. And because its necessary to stop the flow at the point of time when it starts becoming uncontrollable, I did it.

Kab se dhoondh raha khud ko, milta hi nahin hoon,

Aisa lagta hai main chhipa nahin, laapata hoon..

Sit back, Relax, Enjoy the Smaller things..

Sit back..relax..hear the drops of rain gradually fading away..see the weather turning to yellowish orangish pink and then to darker shades of blue and black..with little lightening and dazzling..sounds of the birds chirping and coming back to the trees..people getting back to their daily chores after the rain..completely ignoring the feel of getting back to normal from something extraordinarily wonderfully awesome that has just happened..

Me..closely observing the movement of every tiny drop..for even a teenie weenie droplet becomes sad when it feels ignored..Small things in life are as important..the first time you go out with someone, the day you fell off the stairs in the college, the way you just fell off the couch laughing at a family joke, eating the mac n cheese you made on a Sunday afternoon, listening to odd music, symphonies that others don't understand but you feel are the closest to your heart, the light that glows on your face when there's a light in your mobile..saying "1 New Message", the doorbell that rings just when you are expecting a special guest, the one moment when you leave the kitchen and the milk spills, the fragrance of a familiar perfume that passes you by in the crowd and you can't remember who used to wear it.. A number of things that go unnoticed make a difference whether you know it or not..

Remember the last time you smiled without a reason and someone noticed and smiled back at you? The last time when you danced in the rain? The last time you heard a kid laughing and accompanied him just because you couldn't possibly control the laughter? The last time you rest your head on someone's lap with their warm palm on your cheek? Those are moments of pure joy. That usually are not very noticeable but are making differences within us that change us as a person and that are never known by us. The change is happiness.. These little things gradually make us happier from within. This is the best kind of happiness: Its called Happiness Inside Out.

Happiness that begins from inside and reflects outside, that is not as conspicuous or outstanding, but is the best for emotional health as i call it. :). That's why People look their best not when they smile for a photograph but on something that makes them happy and the smile comes from their hearts to their eyes through their lips, lips being just a medium. Sometimes little things make a larger effect than bigger ones, though its not that prominent.. Its just Inside Out.

The detail. The detail of a falling leaf. Every twist and turn of a dancer's feet. The tinge of yellow that makes red orange. The lightest sound of dropping tap water that awakens you from deepest of sleep. The drop of lemon that totally changes the taste of a recipe. The thinnest line of Kohl that makes one's eyes look brighter. The small four letter word that changes lives upside down. The gap of camera click that makes or breaks the making of a beautiful picture.

Small things matter. Ignorance of small things matters even more.