S.T.R.A.N.G.E. Isn't it?

Sometimes I think why we do whatever we do? Why all this effort? Why all this pain? Why all this unnecessary effort when everything is ultimately going to end, and there's a permanent solution to all these temporary problems? When in the end, everything I going to become one thing, why do we run after all those things that are pointless? Happiness, sadness, life and death, good and bad, rich and poor, love and hate, marriage and divorce, pizza and sandwich, coffee and chocolates, jealousy, jobs, salary, fights, colleagues and bosses, promotions and demotions, winning and losing, black and white, full and empty.

I think it can be safely said that nobody belongs to nobody. How is it that while we are all sent by god for some specific purpose, we keep planning our own lives? Are we ever going to get what we want? And even if we get it, are we going to forever possess it? What is the use of smiling or crying or studying or earning or loving or hating or respecting or caring or anything else if it is finally not going to matter? And what if all this is just a story written and being narrated by GOD and whatever we do or think is pre determined by him and what if no matter whatever we say or how we justify whatever we do or say all this is a dream and it suddenly ends one day and nothing else matters?

Are we ever going to know what happens after life ends? I have once had a very long discussion over this strange question with a dear one. And there was no conclusion, as we ended up saying its a very weird thing to talk about. But it is worth thinking. Because many a times we sacrifice our happiness just for the sake of what others will feel or think of us. At times we don't do things that could have made us happy or satisfied only because we think  its not right. If everything is so clearly wrong or right, why do we never get to reach perfection? And if we know whatever we do has two sides, one wrong and one right, one good and one bad, why don't we simply do the good thing and do ourselves the favour of always being and keeping others happy? 

And if one does everything only for his own happiness and convenience its known as selfishness. How come there are numerous classes and castes and cities and countries and continents and tickets are sold in order to travel from one place to another and why it is not done free of cost as a service to each other by us if we all are a part of the ultimate soul, GOD, and are finally going to meet and merge within that eternal soul and none of this is going to matter in the end?

I know there is no answer to these odd and silly questions but there is something called afterlife and I believe in it. But still, even after writing and pondering over all this for such a long time, all I'm going to do is go to my bed and think of what I'm going to do tomorrow, what I'm going to do in life, and what is going to happen in my future, and will hope my tomorrow is a happy day for me, and the question "What is beyond all this?" will suddenly seem like pointless to me, and of course it will all finally become just a thought which will only take physical form when we will actually see what's beyond all this, and I'll think "why I wrote whatever I wrote".

S.T.R.A.N.G.E. Isn't it?

“I still Have all that’s gone”: Reminiscences of My Diwali

The feeling that subdues all other feelings for a while when it comes. No matter how hard you try it always takes place at the right time. And why even try, you actually like the feeling yourself. Though it brings a little sadness and melancholy at times, that’s not the case always. Like I distinctly remember the Diwali homework, whenever I go home for Diwali. Ahh! Not a good feeling, even now, after years. But what to do, nostalgiaJ. The best part of it is that when you encounter it, it gives you a chance to live the happy moments once again irrespective of what’s going on in your life, whether the same people still exist, and how much the time has changed since the last time you felt the same.

Remember, when you did the Diwali Aarti with family, covered your head under the blanket when your brother fired the crackers, ate too much on a Diwali night, or thought the cracker wasn’t going to fire but as soon as you turned it did, when all day you kept calling and getting happy Diwali calls from friends and family and couldn’t stop smiling, when you met an old friend after years, or landed in your city just on Diwali day and observed all the light and decoration you used to see as a child, a tear that came till the corner of the eye but never rolled down the cheek, and you forgot job and tensions and clients and targets and even how things have changed.

Remember the last time you were with yourself? The biggest magic of nostalgia. Around close ones in festive time one comes closer to themselves. It’s when we try to live the old memories live, that the belief of becoming one with YOU comes into our mind. I guess the actual purpose of “good old memories” is only solved when they can make us the same person we were when we actually lived the moment.

Some link nostalgia with places as the original meaning says, but I think it mainly has to do with the feelings attached with it. Remember the last time you were only celebrating the lights and not the fire burning in your heart? The last time you smiled because you were happy in festive mood and not because you had to. The last time you fought with your sibling for a cracker and not for a project with your boss. You ate not for eating but for the feel and the taste! When you woke up with the noise of chirping birds and not with an alarm sound. When you went for shopping for happiness and not for a bad mood.

Smile is what came to my face when I wrote this, as it brought me closer to myself, the good person, that nobody knows. Bring out the same person this Diwali, enlighten your face as it was, back then. Smile. It’s Diwali, the same old Diwali J

What do we want?

There are times in life when you don't know if you are happy or sad. At these times, smiling doesn't seem fit and crying, my friend, isn't an easy job. Its not anger that you can just vent out on someone or something, there's no good news to share, no sadness to cry over, no happiness to get mad about. Its just that uneasy feeling that conveniently fills your heart and soul. 

All slow or deep music makes you sad and all new and happy music is unenjoyable to you. All efforts you put into something for being happy go in vain. You scroll the call list a hundred times to make up your mind to call some friend and feel good. But, end up not calling anyone and just going to bed with music in your ears and fall asleep just to see the strangest of dreams involving strangest of activities and farthest of people.

The question is what do we want? When we're crying we want to smile, when we're smiling we want to laugh, when we laugh too much, again we cry, then we want peace. At times we feel like laughing and crying at the same time. when we are alone we want someone to be there. When we are with people we can't breath. Standing in a long queue for getting something you always wanted and when there's only one person left before its your turn you move out of the queue not wanting it. Its like opening the lock of your house at night coming back tired and feeling lonely as ever, feeling as if you never wanted to do this. At other times you feel like you always wanted to live the loner's life.

You feel like talking to someone, dial a close one's number and disconnect even before it rings. Miss people but never gather the strength to tell them that you feel like crying when they leave you and go. You want them to always be there with you. Yes! i'm selfish. But this is who I am. I want everything. May be I failed every time I tried to make them happy, at least i tried.

Its the hardest when you feel so many things and get entangled. don't know where to go, what to do, whom to turn to. There is a long way in from of you but you don't know if you wanna walk on it or just stare at it or turn around and go back.

Its hard to find an end to your feelings and when you can't write anymore because tears have blocked your view, you have to borrow lines from someone else. And because its necessary to stop the flow at the point of time when it starts becoming uncontrollable, I did it.

Kab se dhoondh raha khud ko, milta hi nahin hoon,

Aisa lagta hai main chhipa nahin, laapata hoon..

Sit back, Relax, Enjoy the Smaller things..

Sit back..relax..hear the drops of rain gradually fading away..see the weather turning to yellowish orangish pink and then to darker shades of blue and black..with little lightening and dazzling..sounds of the birds chirping and coming back to the trees..people getting back to their daily chores after the rain..completely ignoring the feel of getting back to normal from something extraordinarily wonderfully awesome that has just happened..

Me..closely observing the movement of every tiny drop..for even a teenie weenie droplet becomes sad when it feels ignored..Small things in life are as important..the first time you go out with someone, the day you fell off the stairs in the college, the way you just fell off the couch laughing at a family joke, eating the mac n cheese you made on a Sunday afternoon, listening to odd music, symphonies that others don't understand but you feel are the closest to your heart, the light that glows on your face when there's a light in your mobile..saying "1 New Message", the doorbell that rings just when you are expecting a special guest, the one moment when you leave the kitchen and the milk spills, the fragrance of a familiar perfume that passes you by in the crowd and you can't remember who used to wear it.. A number of things that go unnoticed make a difference whether you know it or not..

Remember the last time you smiled without a reason and someone noticed and smiled back at you? The last time when you danced in the rain? The last time you heard a kid laughing and accompanied him just because you couldn't possibly control the laughter? The last time you rest your head on someone's lap with their warm palm on your cheek? Those are moments of pure joy. That usually are not very noticeable but are making differences within us that change us as a person and that are never known by us. The change is happiness.. These little things gradually make us happier from within. This is the best kind of happiness: Its called Happiness Inside Out.

Happiness that begins from inside and reflects outside, that is not as conspicuous or outstanding, but is the best for emotional health as i call it. :). That's why People look their best not when they smile for a photograph but on something that makes them happy and the smile comes from their hearts to their eyes through their lips, lips being just a medium. Sometimes little things make a larger effect than bigger ones, though its not that prominent.. Its just Inside Out.

The detail. The detail of a falling leaf. Every twist and turn of a dancer's feet. The tinge of yellow that makes red orange. The lightest sound of dropping tap water that awakens you from deepest of sleep. The drop of lemon that totally changes the taste of a recipe. The thinnest line of Kohl that makes one's eyes look brighter. The small four letter word that changes lives upside down. The gap of camera click that makes or breaks the making of a beautiful picture.

Small things matter. Ignorance of small things matters even more. 

My Home....I Love you more than I thought!

Coming to a new place and making a new house your home is certainly not easy.. but leaving your home..it is something that kills you from within.. it is the same feeling which comes when a person close to you dies.. and they die slowly.. gradually..gradually their fragrance vanishes from everywhere..from their clothes, then from their things, then from their pillow covers and finally from their rooms..but it never goes away from your heart..and you know no matter what you will just have to let go.. "Let Go" Just two little words and how hard it is for you to bring them into action..

When you used to come home from office, all alone, daily, open the door lock, make your own food, all alone, it still seemed to be okay because you were in your own little, safe HOME..This is the moment where you discover that you have taken a very long time to understand the very famous phrases: "Home.. Sweet Home" and "There's no Place like Home" But now you do. And it hurts. And you wish you hadn't..Its difficult to let go of something or someone you've started to love..and it goes for everything.. Your old pen, books from your childhood, gifts from old friends, old friends themselves, a neighbor's dog that died just when you started to love dogs, an old pair of jeans, a newly wed sister that has been with you in each and everything you did till now, even fights with her, someone you loved, love itself.. almost everything, including your home..where you stayed for just a year or two, which you were waiting to leave as soon as you find a new big house, or you go back to your old lovely home..but when it comes to finally and actually leaving it......

It comes to you as a surprise..because you never thought of missing this house..you thought you'd miss the city, the people, the things...but finally you come to know that all you miss is the house..your home..every part of which was so nicely, patiently and sweetly decorated with your own hands, everything in here has been made by you! you were the owner of this house! it was YOURS..Ah! here comes the thing... It was Yours!!! This little word is the root of all evil....you make it yours and there you go..you start making it yours..you start getting attached to it..unknowingly, start loving it..that too, unknowingly..its yours and nobody can take it away from you..this is where starts all the struggle we're talking about.. so when you leave your house its as if your leaving a part of you..and you are broken now.. Sad! 

That's how life is..it has to go on even when you have to leave something or someone thats yours...your own..oh how i wish i could delete the word from my life..my own.. life would have been so easy..if you could easily lock the door, hand over the keys to the actual owner of the house and just move on happily with whatever you have chosen next..but that's not how life works..you have to be sad at times to let the change come into your life..this home taught you everything..living happy all alone..doing everything on your own..everything is yours! Think of it..of your own home..and it will bring a smile on your face for the rest of your life whenever you feel low.. I Love My Home!

If You're alive, It means you have a sign of life, and if you have a sign of life, its gotta be that some part..

The amount of love you have within yourself is enormous. You can try if you want to but you can never give it all away however hard you try. Some part of that love has to remain within you forever..till the day you die. And the one within whom this small part has all gone away has died at that very point of time, however hard he might try not to. Because that small part was the only love he had for himself. And the day he gave it all away, none of it was left for himself. Now tell me how would he still have been alive without loving himself? And if he's still alive, it means he has the love somewhere inside him. And there is a sign of life in him. Cuz the fact is that-

You can't be Loved without Loving Yourself and You can't Love without Loving Yourself.

Happiness

Happiness..something really hard to achieve.. something that you can never find easily.. but also something that you can never completely lose once you get it..the best or call it worst, thing about happiness is that the one from whom you get it only takes it away sometimes.. and the problem is that even they don't know that they're doing it..the irony here is that the one taking our happiness away is not only unaware of it but also giving away their happiness to you.. sad faces and happy faces are just a matter of a curve, upwards or upside down. and the most difficult situation is not when you are sad, its when you see that someone's sad face and know that its because of you.. its because you said something in such a way which you thought was okay but actually wasn't.

does the way of saying something matter so much as to turn totally happy people into extremely sad people?

If you are earning a lot but don't know how to save and invest it then the money goes in vein..same goes with love and happiness..if you've found them but you don't know how to keep and multiply them, sadly, the ugly truth is that 'you  are the worst person you know..' learn to keep happiness, or you'll be called a loser..

the only reason i said if finding happiness is hard, even losing it is not possible.. is because its always somewhere within you once you've found it.. you're just not able to find it because you've made a comfortable place without it.. try to find it and you will know that 'you are the awesomest person you know..'

One Year, One Month, Two Days..

And after one year, one month and two days, I'm writing something exactly at 05.33 AM.

How does it feel? N.O.S.T.A.L.G.I.C. Yes, Nostalgia, that ugly and unwelcome feeling that you should love but still hate to feel. Funny how things change within a year. Funny how life goes upside down within a year. Funny how you seem to be understanding yourself and then suddenly realize that as a matter of fact you haven't ever understood anything, anybody, not the world, not the people, not yourself, nobody. Funny how one year has passed by and gone by without your notice. Funny how one year, one month and two days make such huge difference to you.

The more you change your public profile pictures, the deeper you bury your inner self, and make it the inner most part of you. The deepest part that nobody can reach, no matter how hard they try. They'll all keep looking for you and the irony is that even you will be looking for YOU and will never really find it. Cuz you've made yourself shallow and thrown your real self somewhere deep into it. Somewhere so deep that you will find it only the day when you and YOU are one thing.

Completing your daily stuff, running to work, eating, coming back, eating again and finally sleeping is the life we have made for us. In between we get all kind of rubbish coming our way, rubbish that will make our inner self sink deeper and deeper, into one big black whole. This time also, the birds are chirping, but I have suppressed that sound by the music in my ears. Cuz I don't want to listen to what they are saying. I want to delink myself from whatever the outer world wants to say anymore. I have had enough of what they have to say. And I have not liked most of it. Funny how music sounds better than what alive people have to say. Funny how we want to hide from whatever we thought was good.

No more getting scared of dark, or of the curtain shadows, no more missing college, no more getting nervous in situations that genuinely deserve one's nervousness. No more crying at small things, no more crying at things that genuinely deserve one's tears. Funny how the lies that the outer world has told you turn into the lies you tell YOU, every darn day. Funny how you keep running away from others and one fine day manage to runaway from yourself. Funny how the world outside changes the world inside you. Funny how you understand everything and still manage to find an excuse to convince your inner "poor" self, dissapointed with self and still smiling bright as ever..